Arriere-pensee....*

A friend, V, has been perpetually seeking an answer to his question he had put to me last week. The question when he puts it up seems plain and elementary. But, the second I think of a back talk, I see the daylight. I feel unqualified to turn up with a justifiable plea. I start to have vibes like he is investigating me, like a criminal. That’s why, I have been side stepping from this session for long. I have been making peculiar, tales - “This is not the right time, not the right place, I have work, you have work” I also prayed that he forgets about the question, but, he does not.

Ok….the question as he puts it is “Why are you doing what you are doing? Why are you doing this job?” Simple!! There are rooted meanings to it though. He feels, I am junking some hidden skill (of which I am completely ignorant and he has been able to discern) in my job. But, I feel what he takes as a talent is just a hobby for me….but yes I am possessive about it. Then, is there a demarcation between these two? I don't know...maybe yes...maybe no!! Also, what’s the big deal about it? Everyone has a hobby….right?

But, my dilemma is that I think it’s essential to answer him.

Am I doing what I want to do? No.
Do I know what I want to do? Maybe.
Do I know how to do what I want to do? NO.

Am I going to use this craft ever? If no, why not? If yes, how and where? Let's be optimistic and discount the “no” part for now and talk about “yes”. So, if I say yes then again, the where part can still be answered, but, how seems challenging, though not unobtainable.

I must decode an answer and then maybe I can full-dress this post.


*an unstated doubt that prevents you from accepting something wholeheartedly.